Memento Normally

♦ Thomas Beard ♦

“Well, not ha-ha funny, but y'know, funny”

-Will Wood, Outliers and Hyppocrates

Did you know that black dogs are omens of death? I passed yesterday night, and it made me smile.

Anyways, you wanted me to write an apology statement, right? I, Alice Jordan St. Clair, do humbly and profoundly apologize for telling Mr. Schwartz in class yesterday that a man of his age, statistically speaking, probably only has about ten years left to live, to which he responded by crying violently until he had to leave the room. How’s that?

I mean, I guess I should have said something more conversational, like “how’s your last will and testament going?” I dunno. People always get so sad when I talk about death. I think it’s funny. No, it’s not a coping mechanism—and I’m not going to be a future serial killer or anything—it’s just kind of absurd. And there’s not anything you can do about it, anyways. Why not laugh?

I wasn’t trying to threaten anyone, okay? I guess ‘cuz it’s a school, and the shooters are always the quiet white kids or whatever. But it’s not like I was telling Mr. Schwartz that I was going to kill him. You guys just heard the word “dead’ and freaked out.

I guess that’s not much of an apology. Let me try again. I’m sorry that you were all born in a time before immortality was invented. I’m sorry your smoking habits aren’t going away. I’m sorry you still have five years left to go on your pension, that you always wanted to be a musician but it never worked out, that nature must inevitably destroy all that she creates. I’m sorry, okay? But that’s not my fault. You’re shooting the messenger here. 

You guys wanted me to apologize to Mr. Schwartz in person as well, but unfortunately he suffered a heart attack while he was crying in the teacher’s bathroom and is now deceased. For that I am sorry. Perhaps I should have spoken to him about the dangers of high caloric foods first.

Look, you’re acting like I killed him. The man had already had several heart scares beforehand, so it wasn’t like I forced it out of him. Maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t said what I’d said, but maybe it still would have. 

So I guess that I, Alice Jordan St. Clair, apologize for failing to understand that most people aren’t cool with the whole dying thing yet. But death makes me happy. Isn’t it a little bit absurd? Kind of a rib-tickler, if you will? Makes you laugh so hard you have a heart attack?
No? Too soon?
Well, it’ll be funny eventually.